toEmily West
dateWed, Mar 24, 2010 at 11:47 PM
subjectLove Ryan
mailed-bygmail.com
Just to be quite clear... For your conscious, my conscious, and for
future generations...
I do not want to separate, to divorce, or to leave and be a stranger.
But rather I would like to have some sort of dialoge with you that
does not include sarcasm, anger, rejection, and closed ears.
since Jan 1 (your "discovery" date) none of the above has happened..
I am sure you can come up with a thousand examples of how I am to
blame and I am not doing what you want.. but I just want to be clear
that these items listed above is all I would like.... before we decide
that this was all a big life mistake and we are moving on to greener
pastures...
Love your future ex-husband, (sounds different)
Ryan
Emily's Response..............................................
Reply |Emily West to me
show details Mar 25 (4 days ago)
I have struggled to begin this email because in my gut I know that I've gone past the point of no return and I do not want to admit it to myself or to you. My heart has broken so many times that I don't know that I can ever feel safe and able to trust you in the way I need to in order to be the partner, friend and wife I want to be.
You have your own perspective on the last six months and the six months before that, but my experience has also been life changing. The fear, hopelessness, despair and desperation I felt watching you throw up until you bled, go nights without rest, threaten suicide and grow paranoid and fearful of regular interaction was not the worst of it. The worst of it was when I realized that you had done it to yourself and allowed me to continue throwing myself at any sign of hope- knowing all the time that you were misguiding doctors, therapists and me.
I did change the day of my "discovery." I realized then that no matter how much I loved you or tried to be there in the ways I knew how, that the work to create change had to come from you. Maybe someone else could have been there for you in a way that would have been more effective. I gave you my very best, and I while know that wasn't enough for you, I never withheld anything I had to give.
I hope that in time I will look at it differently, but right now I am sad, cynical, angry and full of loss. You tell me you feel the same way, and I believe it. You've lost just as much as I have, even more.
The reality is that I have nothing more to offer. If I could go back in time I can't see anything that I would do differently as things progressed. If I had the benefit of the knowledge of where it was going to end up, I still don't know what I could have done differently to change it. You say you disagree, but I believe I did everything in my power and influence to be there for you and to help. I feel like I was a good wife and partner, I'm sorry you don't.
Separation and divorce are something that I never saw as an option in my life. I promised myself when we got engaged that I would give everything I had to our relationship. I promised myself not to shy away from the fear of being vulnerable and that I would be your partner and best friend. I have done that to the very best of my ability. What I've had to offer is not what you needed, and I do so wish that it was. I love you in a way that I did not know was possible and I believed you and I could make it through anything- if for no other reason than that we loved one another. The biggest heart break is the loss of that dream.
This is not the ending I wanted, but I see no other alternative than to part and allow each other to go find ourselves again. I know you will recover and become a powerful and positive force in the world. This is another beginning in your story and I hope that you will find the man I fell in love with again. He wasn't perfect, but he had so many perfect qualities. I'm going to get busy finding that imperfect, but hopeful girl I was too.
I love you and always will,
Em
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